What I have outlined in this post is not intended to be guidance for all, it has merely been my own experience so I sense it may be helpful for others. Notice within your Self if this post resonates, if not, simply ignore, perhaps seeds have been sown. Do what works for you.
How Did We Get Here?
Along our path of healing or spirituality we will often encounter teachers, guides or therapists who recommend using boundaries in our relationships and interactions to try to protect ourselves or cut out dysfunctional interactions. These days the mention of boundaries is becoming very trendy. In this post I will outline the problems that I and my clients often encounter with using boundaries.
The reason for this popularity is many people are feeling out of control and looking for any kind of quick fix or feel good gimmick they can find to create a sense of empowerment. Our modern world favours instant results rather than longer term fundamental growth.
In writing this post I Googled examples of boundaries in relationships and found some very wishy washy suggestions. I’m not surprised in the least.
Here are two boundary examples I found on successful websites:
“Under no circumstances will I date a married or attached person.”
Sounds reasonable doesn’t it? Although I happen to have known two people over the years that while already married with kids, they met what could be termed their soul mate outside of the marriage, and of course they ended up leaving the marriage to follow that new relationship. Both worked out very well, and were truly meant to be.
“I will not pursue someone who has rejected me.”
I have personal experience with this one. I had a previous girlfriend who initially rejected me, I pursued her and we eventually became a couple and spent ten good years together until the relationship ran it’s course. Needless to say I don’t regret pursuing her.
Control Versus Flow
From these two examples I hope you can see my point, my experience with boundaries is I found them restrictive, and unintuitive. With my own personal boundaries I tried to use in the past I discovered they caused stress as I felt I was failing or not doing it right when I followed the moment rather than the boundary rule. So it took some time to realise that placing such restrictive control on life simply does not work for me.
Ultimately a set boundary does not take into account life unfolding moment to moment, both in our own self awareness and in the circumstances we are faced with. Things change, continually.
If you’re learning to surf and your teacher tells you to “just stay standing on the board”, sure, that’s the idea, but in actual reality there are many moment to moment calculations and changes that must be taken into account. All these occur instantaneously, beyond thought. You cannot plan how to surf, but you can prepare.
Life too unfolds like surfing, moment to moment, spontaneously. It’s alive and ever changing. Learning to flow with it I have found much more helpful than trying to manage and control it.
Just Because They Sound Smart, Doesn’t Mean They Are
In the therapy, and the self-help world suggestions such as “avoid toxic people” and “cutting people out of your life” are rampant. This is really base level pop psychology. Again, we are seeing people with no patience or awareness of the deeper level of what may be happening, just looking for an instant fix. I have had a number of clients cut people out of their lives, only to work with me and end up reconnecting with those people to rekindle friendships or mend bridges from a much more mature and healthy place. When you clear your shit out of the way, a new clarity, a new perspective is available, not to mention that baggage is no longer brought into your relationships with other people and causing conflict.
Who Needs The Boundary?
Boundaries are often required by a person who feels out of control. In reality it is the ego that is often challenged, and often emotional and reactive. In actual fact, the idea of using a boundary sounds good, but implementing it can be very challenging. I decide “I’m going to tell my boss how he needs to respect me”. In theory that sounds great, but nothing has actually changed within me, I have grown in no way, there is no increase in self awareness or confidence, and then suddenly I find myself face to face with the very person who I feel challenged around. Not a pleasant experience.
There are far easier, helpful and gentle ways to grow through these situations than throwing ourselves into an anxious confrontation.
Boundaries, like affirmations sound like a great idea, perhaps similar to political slogans “Yes We Can!” or “Make America Great Again”, they sound good, but are vague and ultimately meaningless.
There are far more substantive actions you can take to improve your relationship dynamics, but the bad news is they all begin with your relationship with you, first. This involves stopping focusing on the other person and looking closely at our role in all of this. That requires a deep level of willingness and honesty, and as I mentioned above, we live in a quick fix society, also one where accountability is uncommon, so for most people, finger pointing is easier the the first choice.
As you work on you, you can then bring this evolving, growing person to the other person, rather than bringing the old you, who is triggered and angry and wounded into conflict. As your emotional state develops, as you integrate the heavy energy that was arising in that relationship, you are no longer the old you, you are bringing new perspectives, new self awareness and new energy to each relationship. I guarantee you will see exciting results!
This does not have to take a long time, I’ve seen results with people in a matter of days. As we integrate our own arising pain, we bring a different us out into the world.
I hope this was helpful just to give you a different perspective. Follow your own instinct to find what works best for you. Often the trends and what the “experts” suggest, I have found unhelpful and have had to find my own tools.
Feel free to get in touch if you have any questions or wish to know more about my work with clients.
Boundaries are like training wheels: helpful while you learn & grow, but you’ve got to get rid of them eventually!
Boundaries and expectations often end up similar, like in the examples you provided, “I won’t date someone who xyz.” Releasing expectations is the only way to really understand unconditional love.
Unconditional love is the ultimate freedom. But most are unwilling to give up placing expectations on others in order to accept no expectations on themselves.
It’s quite the mind game. But there is *so much* freedom and peace in the other side.
Thank you for your thoughtful post!