I recently had a client who took two years to make the decision to work with me. Two years!
We first spoke on the phone over two years ago, she sounded ready, was drawn to the work, listened to all my videos and they resonated. The call went well, the work resonated. But after the call she drifted away. I’m not a salesman, I don’t pressure people so I left the decision up to her. I could see what was happening.
Fear!
Third Time Lucky
We’re afraid of change, of taking that step, so when the discomfort eases up even a little we talk ourselves out of facing the deeper work that’s really required. This results in coasting in that stuckness for maybe months or years more.
We become so afraid of going lower that the ego mind becomes increasingly powerful, gaining more and more control trying to avoid any discomfort. Mind equates change with discomfort. Growth comes from change.
We need to truly be seen by others.
About a year later she got in touch again, same situation, struggling in relationships, stress, and lots of overthinking and analysis. We had a similar conversation, covered the same ground. But yet again she talked herself out of it.
Another year passes, she books another consultation call. When we get on the phone it’s a similar story to previously. But this time two things become very obvious to me:
She has been doing her best to practice my work on her own. She has listened to all the videos, reads all the posts and has gathered some know-how of how to integrate. She’s hungry, ready for change. She’s gone as far as she can go on her own. But I can hear that she only has her own limited idea of how to do this work and has never been shown, so is missing important steps and actually made her own process confusing.
She’s not going to jump unless I push her. Something in her is looking for guidance, permission.
Community Erodes Ego
Years ago when I started Holotropic Breathwork I was told to never practice alone. I quickly saw one obvious reason why I was told this. People can lose conscious awareness and facilitators and a personal sitter might be needed to guide the person through the release. But another very important reason, which seems to be very very relevant for the people who follow my work, is we need community. We need to allow ourselves to be truly seen by others.
The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek. - Joseph Campbell
There is healing in sharing a tough experience with other people. Yet the aim of the ego is that we do all our inner work and healing in private, alone, behind closed doors, no one will know the depths of our despair, or see the tears and heartbreak, and then we’ll re-enter the world, reborn, the butterfly, and live happily ever after.
There is a caveat here, I refer to our resistance to challenging inner work. Of course huge amounts of people go to group retreats, regularly, it’s big business! But many of these are often comfortable, they don’t take the individual to the root of their pain, but often skirt around real release with various ceremonies and practices, ultimately distractions from what is arising. There is nothing wrong with these groups, we get what we need, until finally we are ready to go further, to go all the way. The time of testing the water is over. It’s time to dive in.
Mirror Together
I’ve come across countless individuals who want to change the work, do it on their own, in relation to breathwork do it one to one, rather than in a group, or obviously not do it at all, or do it in their own warped “safe” way. All of this is just ego seeking to manage and retain control.
Notice many of us want to get free, to heal, but then the voice has a list of conditions of what this process must look like. This is the ego mind.
Another reason to work in a group or with a coach is the mirror. The person or group you work with will often take on a projection of your unintegrated self. The less enlightened way to look at this is to blame the group or coach and vow never to return. A healthier and more productive way to look at this is whatever you encounter is Your reflection. An opportunity to work with what arises within you when you see this “other”. Be willing to face and integrate whatever arises.
Turning Point
After two years my client took the step, and immediately felt relief:
she had committed to a program
she was no longer trying to find her way all by herself
she had me to lean on and give feedback, someone she could learn from.
She took the step and we started work soon after.
The benefit of her waiting two years to engage my help is that she was ready, hungry. The downside was that her mind already had concrete ideas about what the work entailed and how the results should look. So she had to overcome her own preconceived expectations. There’s no wrong move here. We all bring our baggage, we’re ready only when we are ready.
This woman did very well, but to be honest, anyone who consistently witnesses, feels and integrates, reaps the rewards. And those who stop the work, or change the work their peace of mind gradually lowers and lowers.
Sometimes when people come to me when they start the work they can be very unhappy, joyless, then as the weeks pass they begin to feel better, so they stop doing the work and the old unfulfillment returns. I need to maintain my peace of mind, I want to, it deepens, the peace and awareness.
Push
What I learned from this client was my responsibility when people contact me from the very beginning. If someone is out there rudderless, lost and they book a 1:1 or course consultation with me, if I genuinely feel my work will be of benefit to them, then I encourage that step. Ethically I will not work with people who I feel are not suited to this work or that we both would not be a good fit. This is not about stacking up sales for me. It’s about listening, and being in the flow for both parties.
Life Is Short
We use up so much time and energy putting off the work we know instinctively would be beneficial for us. We wait and make excuses, all the while the ego remains in control and our general sense of fulfillment from life is low. You’re always ready, don’t wait.
If there is someone out there, something challenging that you feel will take you further, do it, go for it. Be realistic of what you think it will bring you in return. The more of You that turns up and risks change, the more potential for deep change on the other side. If you just want to take a one hour course or read a new book, well that’s a beginning, but it’s not going to take you very far. If you seek real change, then real work is required. But it’s worth it.
Be that person who takes that step. Don’t wait two more years. Venture into the unknown.